I really want to do something that you'll like for your birthday.
Please don't accept what i say due to a lack of better ideas.
It is so horrible to rack my brains thinking and planning
only to have you making other plans or coming up with alternatives just so easily.
Yes.
I do know that you have no other plans in mind.
But really.
If you really like my idea... why are you considering others?

Perhaps its just me again.
Always making plans.
Me making plans which you might not like.
Plans which you accept for the lack of better?
Plans which you accept just to make me happy?

I much rather if you will tell me if you would rather do something else.
Will i feel better when one day you turn around and tell me you never wanted to do them.
But felt compel to.
How will i feel then?
What is the difference?

One day.
When you cease to like me, everything that had happened would feel like a compulsion.
Perhaps.

I just wanted to plan something to do that you will enjoy.
If only i know what.
If only you will tell me.
I really hate guessing anymore.
What if i am wrong?
I don't think i can affort to be wrong anymore.

Speaking of art exhibitions that i liked... Matthew ngui's exhibition in substation which i saw last sunday was superb as well. Its one of the better combination of subject matter, process, methodology and end results that i have seen for a long time. This guy is a real pro. Just looking at the details and thoughts and efforts put into the piece was enough to awe me. I won't even attempt to systematically take it apart for analysis here because the pieces just fitted so well together. Sometimes artists can have great ideas but loses out in its execution. Other times, a great looking piece falls hallow because of a lack of depth. Matthew's show is one of those which is a good example of how ideas and methods can merge so beautifully to give such intriging and thoughtful art work. I would not venture to compare this piece with others and discuss their relative merits but given my limited understanding of art as a layman, i can only say that i admire him for his thoughfulness in his execution to bring out his message and the beauty of the art itself.

Highly recommended for the art teacher to bring his students, who has been struggling to convey to them the importance of both subject matter and the process. :)

Went to see Shing's exhibition at PKW on tuesday.

I really enjoyed it. After going to several art exhibitions where the space has a pure functional purpose (i.e. to contain the various art pieces), i particularly enjoy this one where the space itself is the focus. And not just the focus, but to push the space further into an art piece on its own right. The simplicity of the whole installation is both effective and pleasing. Canvas of the tile motifs and details of the railings from the space were recreated, which was then added on to the original space, giving it an added dimension.

Physical space in its entirety is limited so it is heartening to see how much the loft ontop of 61 kerbau road has grown after Shing's "treatment". It is as if the silent , largely been ignore space where countless of individual art pieces has nested and been admired, suddenly bloomed in its own right. It is as if the space has decided to rebel, stand up and speak for itself. And how eloquently too. On the whole, the feeling i have when i stepped into the space is that it is no longer static, but dynamic and a sense of movement prevails. It is the little hint of eruption on the floor. The slow advance march of the railings. Its a little like Alice in Wonderland coming alive. It is both animated and surreal. For a moment, i had debated if this sense of movement could have been made more apparent or perhaps even push the space into a kalediscope of movements. But on second thoughts, it is exactly the simplicity, the mere hint of something happening that made it so exciting. It is perhaps the tension of something on the brink of action, on the verge of explosion that made it all the more promising than the actual event when it happened. It is the beginning that i see and the potential, rather than the result.

I was already rather intriged when i saw some of the materials that she had prepared for the exhibition and i must say the end result is indeed captivating.I could probably describe it more vividly but it probably wouldn't do much justice to it, given my poor command of language. Besides, it would be too much of a giveaway for anyone who want to go take a look. In any case, i enjoyed it and kudos to Shing for sharing it.

"You are getting better."

Really?

The fact is, i am really really happy for you.
And proud too.
And i mean everything i said about being glad and not angry with you.

It is feeling all these, knowing how i should act so as to not stress you out
and yet, there are other feelings too.
I am disappointed.
Quite so.
But it is so difficult to hide that, so that you cannot see it.
So that you will not feel that i am angry with you.
So that you can prepare for japan knowing that i am behind you all the way.
So that you will no longer keep feeling stress and worry about my reaction.

I am sorry i couldn't mask it better.
I wish i can tell you that despite feeling disappointed,
i am really really happy for you too.
And proud.

Sometimes my emotions get better of me.
Its knowing what i shouldn't do but couldn't stop myself.
Now, you must be disappointed in me.

I admit that i had alot of hopes and plans for holidays.
I thought going on a trip with you will help things.
Its only my over reliance on making plans and being too hopeful.
3 weeks road trip seemed like a cure for cancer.
But that is not being realistic.
There are more important things and i know that.
Which is why i honestly cannot say that i am angry with you.
Or that i want you to turn down the offer even.
I have not considered that.

I appreciated you letting me know in advance.
Caring about my feelings before you even agreed to write the proposal.
I stand by what i said: go for it.
I know how hard and rare such chances were to come by.
I am only sorry that now that the proposal is accepted, i cannot help feeling disappointed.
Or sad.

I am only angry with myself for feeling like this.
Being selfish.
You should be disappointed in me instead.

I wish i am better.

Realization no. 44:

I am lonely.

Reading Life: A user's manual by Georges Perec.
Mavellous.

My cat enjoys company.
And i hope especially mine.

Am going to play some of the musical scores i borrowed before returning them to the library.

I toyed with the idea of talking to her.
Just to find out how she felt about what has happened.
Perhaps i am curious to know why she did what she did.
Just like i am curious to know why he did what he did.
Why i did what i did.
Would it help?
I am not sure.
Why dig it all back up again?
Do i matter to her?
Does she know what she has done to me?
What have i done to her?
Does she know that i am scared of her?
Perhaps in her eyes, i am the interloper... the one who screwed things up for her.
Its all a matter of perspectives.

It is only an idea that i am toying with.
Letting it go.
Letting it all go away.
I need to get better.

Am i better?
How would i know?
I am my own best and worst doctor.
I have to subject myself to thoughts that test the system.
How do i feel?
Can i tolerate more of it?
Has the pain dulled? numbed?
Using a fine needle to test each area.

No... not this part... this feels okie.. I am still standing...
No... not there. Not here.
Automatic shutdown.

Good. Automatic shutdown is working.
Things used to explode.

Does that mean i am better?
Have i covered all the areas?
Which memories has faded? Which has not?
I need to go through them meticulously.
It is a form of self abuse but how would i know if i don't go through it?
How would i know that they wouldn't hurt me anymore?

I need to know.
I need to know that i will be okie.
I need to know that i can survive.
I need to know that when things happened not within my control, i can withstand it.
I need to know hence i am subjecting myself to these experiments.
Controlling the variables... the intensity... the degree of hurt... the circumstances...
But even the best scientist cannot always keep things within their control.
And so, things explode once in a while.
At least, with proficiency, failure rate does reduce.

Today, it has been successful.
Its like experimenting with different antidote to see which work for each specific problem.
Today i found one for part of the problem.
I subjected myself to the venom, tested the serum, and survived.
The venom did not hurt me as much anymore.
I came back standing. Smiling.

I need to know.
Bottom line is, if i don't know, i will never have the confidence to be well. Be healthy.
Screwed up logic perhaps.
But don't we all do what we can to survive?

I will not stand by the fairground, looking and believing i am safe from the rides
when i may be roped into one and then collapse because i am not prepared.
I will grind my teeth and go through each and everyone of them no matter how scared i am.
I need to know i can survive it.
On my terms.

I need to know.

What does it mean to be well and healthy?
I don't remember how it used to be with us.
Aren't we suppose to have a chance to create something better?
What is better?
Something must change i know.
But what?
I am perplexed.
I wish i know.
Things are to wait till i am well and healthy.
Is it mutually exclusive? changing and getting well?
I wish i know what exactly i am suppose to look forward to.
What i am suppose to put my hopes in.

What a busy week.

Bought a bikini.
Walked around chinatown.
Played some pool.
Had dinners.
Quarrelled.
Got upset.
Got better.
Went rollerblading with collegues.
Had coffee.
Went to friend's housewarming.
Had dinner.
Played with lantern.
Played at playground.
Discovery joys of springing playground equipment.
Watched monty python.
Had security.
Felt safe.
Had dim sum.
Visited substation.
Had few ideas.
Visited library@esplanade.
Signed up for membership.
Borrowed musical scores.
Bought new book.
Had dinner.
Received pendant as present.
Felt secure.
Bought shorts for wakeboarding.
Accompany one to buy work pants.
Had watermelon.
Watched season finale of star trek.
Spoke to brother in london.
Time for bed.

Listening to a real mish-mash collection of MP3.

Thanks bro.
For the 2Mb worth of MP3 you took time to download onto my laptop without me even asking.

Bro leaving tonight for london.
Wonder if he is prepared.
Shouldn't have to worry too much since this won't be his first time going overseas to study.
Reminded me of the first time he left for another country.
He was just 16 then.
But he already seemed so old.

I remembered that my parents were away in Korea at the time so only me, my youngest brother, and a cousin who drove us there, sent him off at changi airport. My mom chose delibrately to leave the country so that she wont have to send him, her first son, off to a foreign land for the few years. At that time i thought she was being cruel to him. But perhaps she was only trying to be kind to both of them. My brother and mother shares a certain bond that makes us, the rest of the children, "accuse" her of favouritism. Far from being jealous, i think it has become a joke, a piece of family fact that we dust off once in a while to embarrass them both for a laugh. I would imagine now that if she had been there, 8 years ago, to send him off, it would have been torturing for her and him as well. Silly old me was crying my eye balls out that night and even my younger bro looked teary. This time round it would just be me, the solo farewell committee since the rest of the family is all over the world. To think about it, 8 years ago was the start of our family venturing out, so much so that we are seldom at home in Singapore together save chinese new year. But i don't think any of us actually feel like we have grown apart during these times, instead i think we have grown more understanding, closer and started treating each other better. For example, relationship with your "at times overbearing mother" must improve if she has lesser chance of nagging at you right? Well, it worked and with moderm communication system, china or australia or london is only a phonecall away.

Now that bro is leaving,
it would be just me and my maid at home.
For a time, it was me, my grandma and my maid.
The house will seem empty.
But it is just something new to get used to.

I remembered writing a long encouraging letter to my brother just before he left 8 years ago. I remembered him lingering around behind the check in counter, waving to us across the glass panels. I imagined that his eyes were red. How frightening it must be for a 16 year old. No matter how old he seemed. And now, my friends are amazed at how callous we treat sending off a family member. We customarily toss each other out of the car infront of the terminal before saying goodbye and driving off. Yes, even my youngest brother. We took turns to be tossed, proceeded to the check in counter and setting off in our journeys. It is like taking a bus. Like london is pasir ris. Like china is tuas. But this is our family, lenghty farewells where all the extended families gather is alien and uncomfortable. I am the one amazed that for some friends, despite leaving year after year for studies, everyone still turned up for a big send-off. Guess our family are the ones standing on the other side of the glass panels.

I wondered if bro has packed everything he needed.
Mom called to remind me to pack his rice cooker.
Prepare his fried ikan bilis.
Bro reminded me for the umpteen time to give him a copy of my bank acc/no.
Had a minor tassle with bro about the number of shirts he is bringing.
He has enough for a month without needing to do his laundry.
"That's the point!"

Well, everything sounds familiar yet how strange that i am feeling this way, nostalgic and whimsical, despite the years of detachment regarding travelling. We are never scared to venture forward, to a new place. But it would be sad if the excitement dies and all you feel is detached. I think i am glad my family is on the other side of the glass panel. To view flying away as a form of opportunities and strangely, as a form of long journey going home, because eventually we all will. Back to point zero. It might not be frequent but it sure means a hell lot when it happens.

So, till we meet again bro, take care and have fun.

So its been one year since Sept 11.
Left with the final 5 minutes.
Is anything going to fall out of the sky?
I don't really fancy watching the news.

Was contemplating buying a digital camera to take pictures.
But realized that i much prefer looking at and touching a real photo than looking through photos on the computer.
Yes, i realize you can print out digital photos like the real thing.
But there is certain satisfaction of using and manipulating film
or fiddling around with a manual camera.
Heck. An idiot proof camera even.
Yes. I am funny that way.

Stuart reminds me of my cat.
Well, i know stuart is a mouse.
But then, alot of things reminds me of my cat.
Perhaps furry things reminds me of my cat.
No. Snowbell don't remind me of my cat.
I think animated cute furry things remind me of my cat.
Which goes to show, perhaps then, my cat must be cute.

Ya. That must be it.
So if i say you remind me of my cat.
It is really a compliment.

Another tuesday

Watched Stuart Little 2.
Liked the cutesy little yellow mousey raincoat with ears.
Cute.
Ok.
Very cute.

What is your Alter-Ego
Personality?

Thank you for shooting the whole show at the expense of your own dinner.
Buy you a nice dinner another day ok?

Company D & D was hilarious.
Our item was chaotic at first but it was good fun.
All my colleagues enjoyed it though it must have looked amaturish to others who don't know us.
That's the nicest feeling really.
To have friends come up to you and tell you how much they enjoyed your efforts.
And hear them laugh.
Its heartening to see how much everyone appreciated us.
It made us feel like all those hard work was worth it.
Despite us saying how we wish we can sit down and enjoy a decent meal for once, i know my colleagues and I would do it again at the drop of a hat if they asked us again next year.

Its hard to control my emotions but i am trying.
I wish that i can say i am alright but at least i am trying to appear alright.
I don't know why i give myself such choices.
It has to be extremes.
All or nothing.
But when i get into such a state, i cannot choose otherwise.
Perhaps i cannot see what other options i really do have.
Perhaps other options are just too difficult.

However, i am glad people who stuck through with me.
Giving me encouragement.
Giving us encouragement.
At least, i have someone i can count on even when i cannot believe in myself or him,
there is someone whom i can hold on to and keep me anchored.

Thank you angie.

Tuesday

She turned up.
She called.

Why do you always insist that i accept things?
Why do you always make me go through such things?
Why do you always disregard how i feel?

I don't know what to say.
I don't know how to convey how i feel.
How can i explain that you will always continue to delibrately make such choices to hurt me?
You knew.
I didn't matter enough.

How did you expect i would react?
Is she more important then?

Words that run in my head.
And sometimes keep me sane.

But words are still... just words.
Sometimes.

"If someone ask me who i want to marry, without question i would want the person who can argue with me everyweek than someone who worship me or think i am some arty farty guy. I envy and appreciate your intelligence.

"If this thing didn't happen, i wouldn't know how much you mean to me."

"You are my top priority now."

"Just focus on us ok?"

Saturday

Tons to do.
Met up with some of the friends that came over to see how the setting up went.
Had to bring them to eat dinner at Jaggis first because wilk was nowhere near done.

Sunday

Watched Lilo & Stitch.
Its cute.
Well, that's the best way i can describe it anyway.
It made me cry too.

Its a monday that felt like a sunday.

Good not to be working on a monday. Certainly everyone should start the week like this. Its teacher's day holiday again. Have been spending the weekend helping wilk to set up for his exhibition. Not that i am much help really. Finally everything is up and looking good.

Incidentally, the exhibition is at Plastic Kinetic Worms at Kerbau Rd. Open on tuesday 3rd sept at 6.30pm.

Now i have to concentrate on the preparation for my "Performance" for my company 10th year anniversary dinner and dance. So much for the one week school holidays.